the doo-daa parade thrills thousands. highlights at 11. tonight on america's funniest home videos: you might see your brother working out! your bride dancing. your baby window cleaning! your team competing! your little girl bathing! your neighbor singing! or your son swinging!
you might even see yourself! and now, here's the star of america's funniest home videos, bob sagat! america’s funniest home videos has beenon the air for 26 years. let that sink in. this insanely popular series has survivedthrough the birth of the internet, the amazingly quick growth of the home video technologymarket, and even the birth of youtube. which just shows you how powerful afv’sframework is, because the show is basically a mix mst3k, a vine completion, and americanidol. nowadays it’s hard to remember just howmuch of a cultural phenomenon this show was
within in its first 10 bob-saget-filled years. there was nothing else like it on tv in america. it was fast. it was kenetic. it appealed to literally every demographic. and most importantly, because it was framedas a contest that was open to the public, everyone suddenly had dreams of lucking intothat one shot of their dad getting hit in the groin that would nab them the ten thousanddollar prize, a trip to la, and fifteen minutes of fame.
so it’s no wonder that eerie indiana wouldseek to plug into that cultural zeitgeist, and lean on its audience familiarity for botha minor plot point, and the title of its fifth episode. but does america’s scariest home video padout its runtime with lazy references for cheap relatable topical humor? yes. yes it does. but does that make it a bad episode? well, let’s find out!
hurry up and find your seat, because it’stime for secret screening! the story begins the night of halloween, asmarshall and simon prepare supplies to ensure they’ll survive trick or treating in eerieindiana. after completing their checklist, right downto the video camera to record evidence of any encounters they may have, the boys headdownstairs and get ready to leave. in the living room they encounter harley,simon’s pesky little brother whom merlyn will be watching for the night. simon and marshall mask up and head for thedoor, but their way is blocked by a group of trick or treaters.
marshall quickly hustles out some candy, andthey nearly leave when merilyn stops them. it turns out edgar’s car has broken downagain, and she needs to go lend him a hand. until she returns, she needs marshall andsimon to stay and look after harley, since cindy is busy studying for a test. dissapointed they’re stuck in the house,marshall cooks up a plan to make ten thousand dollars at the expense of harley. heading over to his lizard tank, marshallhas simon man the camera while he introduces harley to his pets, godzilla and mothra. marshall tries to trick harley into puttingone of the lizards in his mouth, when simon
freaks out, causing harley to toss the lizardat the couch. upset that his trick failed, marshall huntsaround for godzilla. while he’s distracted, harley drops mothradown the back of marshall’s pants. “freak out scene†after the failure of their first plan, marshalland simon decide the best way to keep harley out of trouble, and out of their hair, isto sit him down in front of a classic monster movie. marshall rigs his camera up to tape the movieoff tv, and after duct taping harley to a bowling ball, they head to the kitchen tomake some popcorn.
left to his own devices, harley starts messingaround with the camera and the tv. using the remote he swaps between the camerafeed and the tv channel until finally he takes a big ‘ol chomp on the remote control. in a haze of static, harley disappears. marshall and simon return from the kitchento find harley detached from his bowling ball leg shackle. marshall starts searching the room, but simonmakes a chilling discovery. harley is somehow inside the movie they werewatching! and worse yet, if harley swapped places withthe film’s monster, that means the mummy
is now in marshall’s house! in a panic, marshall and simon flee the housewith the mummy hot on their heels. they tumble to the foggy ground outside andwrestle physically and figuratively with the idea of returning to the house to fight themummy. their argument is interrupted by another groupof trick or treaters who approach marshall’s house. following the group, they slowly approachthe door and arm themselves to fight back against the mummy at the door. however, cindy opens the door and hands outcandy to the trick or treaters.
out of nowhere the mummy appears, startlingher. however, she assumes the mummy is just a fellowtrick or treater and she shoos him out of the house. she then sees marshall and simon outside andgets upset. they were supposed to answer the door so shecould stay in and study. she admonishes the boys and heads upstairsto get back to work. barricading the door, marshall and simon headback to the tv and try to threaten harley into acting more civil. it doesn’t go over very well.
taking a moment, they try to figure out howharley was able to swap places with the mummy. the chomped remote is discovered, and matchingit to a bite wound on simon’s arm, they make the connection. suddenly the doorbell rings! it’s the mummy trying to get back inside! marshall gets ready to open the door, buttells simon to prepare plan 39. marshall flings the door open, and the mummygoes after simon who’s made himself an easy target. at the last possible second marshall getshis attention while simon ducks, and they
knock the mummy off his feet. a quick swing of a shovel knocks the mummyout! meanwhile, edgar and merilyn are still stuckon the side of the road. edgar’s previous attempts to get the carworking have failed, and they’re waiting on a jump from the repairman. helping the disponent edgar get over his carproblems, the two share a romantic moment as they reminisce over a previous car relatedromp. the moment is short lived however becausethe local kids have targeted their car with eggs and shaving cream.
merilyn tries to get edgar to focus on her,but these insults are the last straw. he grabs an ice scraper and runs into a hailof eggs as he chases the kids off. back at the house, marshall and simon havetied up the mummy and decide to unwrap him to see if there’s anything they can learnabout harley’s disappearance. the unmasking doesn’t go exactly as planned,because the mummy’s no mummy, it’s famous actor boris von orloff! orloff is confused as to how he came to bein eerie, and after seeing harley run amok in his film, he fears for his legacy if hecan’t get back in. with the movie wrapping up, they once againrig up the camera to the tv and prepare the
remote. unfortunately, the connection malfunctionsand the channel with the movie is lost. complicating matters, trick or treaters ringthe bell. with cindy refusing to come down, marshallis forced to answer the door, and after hurling candy at them, sees his parents are back home! they have to act fast! simon stumbles across the right channel, andthey have orloff bite the remote sending him back into the tv just in the nick of time. harley is now back in eerie, marshall’sparents are none the wiser, and orloff’s
mummy is now accidentally in a surfing movie. finally giving him the vacation he so desperatelywanted. the episode ends with marshall warning readersof his journal that you should never trust a six year old, never bite a remote, and tonever leave videotape evidence that could get you in trouble just lying around. i have to admit that i was dreading goingback to this episode. i remembered really disliking this episodeas a kid, and as such i always skipped past it knowing i wasn’t missing much. even as a kid i always had a distaste forepisodes of tv shows that used a young problematic
child as a plot device. a great example of this is the infamous fourthpart of ducktales’ pilot, cold duck. it’s hard enough to care about webby. don’t ask us to care about an equally whinyinfantilized penguin girl we’ll never see again. however, upon rewatching this episode, i washappy to discover it was a lot less terrible than i remembered it being as a kid. now make no mistake, compared to other episodesof the series, america’s scariest home video is one of the cheapest.
it’s a bottle episode, designed from thetop down to trap the characters in an existing location in order to keep overall productioncost down. and there might be a good reason for that. after the losers, it feels like nbc swungin and told them to tighten up their ship quick because their budget was now loppedin half. but the justification for this bottle episode’splot really where most of my problems with this episode lie. not that bottle episodes are inherently bad,but that every clunky plot choice is designed to keep marshall and simon in and around marshall’shouse for most of the episode.
why is harley forced to stay inside on halloween? he seems old enough to be insanely excitedto put on a costume and get candy. logically it makes far more sense for himto have been escorted and watched after by simon and marshall. not forced to be inside and babysat by merilyn. and the plot’s need to have marshall makethe greedy and selfish choice to take advantage of harley, and risk the safety of his petlizards, just for some quick cash and fame is yet another odd choice for them to makefor their primary protagonist. it was likely done just to shoehorn in theamerica’s funniest home videos reference,
but between the justification of the deathand/or disappearance of steve konkaluski, the decision to murder mr wilson to save simonand his family jail time, and now this? marshall is a lot darker and self servingthan i remembered him being. and that brings me to edgar teller! granted he’s an okay dad, but he’s nerdwho makes computer programs capable of better emotional expression than himself. sure, having an unreliable car which constantlytraps you on the side of the road is a stressful problem, but this episode showcases just howstoic and walled up he is, even with his own wife.
he can barely make eye contact with her asshe tries desperately to connect with the man on any level. top that off with the fact that he seeminglysnaps and takes an ice scraper to fight children shows an unintentionally frightening and unhingedside to his character - just for the sake of a poorly constructed joke. plus, pillsbury is back. and although he and his crew do a far betterjob with lighting and cinematography in this episode than in the atm with a heart of gold,he’s right back to his old tricks of objectifying women.
not only does he choose to have von orlofffondled lustily by two characterless bikini clad women for way too much screen time, hemakes the choice to have a six year old boy tear the dress off a non consenting womanwho covers herself, screams, and runs away only to have that six year old, turn, mugto the camera, and lastly raise his eyebrows. a six year old. damn it, pillsbury. you are the worst! his blind eyed misogyny makes this episodeage about as well as having the leads wear gorbachov and george bush senior masks anddrop moldy old political jokes like these:
“anybody who tries a trick is going to getnuked.†“read my lips! no more candy!†but despite my problems with this episode,and there are a lot of increasingly nit picky ones, i still came away with a newfound respectfor it. well crafted and even poorly crafted bottleepisodes usually stand out in a series because they allow writers and actors to deal withinternal conflicts with the primary characters rather than splashy external conflicts. this means the audience usually gets to knowthe show’s characters a bit better by the
end of the episode. for the first time in the series, we reallyget to see simon and marshall hang out and pal around. before america’s scariest home video, theaudience had simply been told that simon and marshall were close friends, but this timethe bare bones plot allows the writers to show us how well they get along instead ofjust telling us. that space is important, because it allowsthe writers to drop some of the best one liners in the entire show so far. in fact, there are so many amazing lines ican’t force myself to choose just five of
them - so please enjoy this amazing showcaseof the best lines of the episode: “back in jersey, halloween was my favoriteholiday. when else can a non-adult wear a disguiseand roam around after dark and forcing people to give you candy for no good reason and thentrashing their house if they don’t?†“flashlight.†“check.†“moist towelettes?†“in case we get egged.†“bug spray?â€
“in case we get bugged.†“clean underwear?†“in case we get scared.†“you boys be careful now, and be back nolater than 9. you understand?†“yes, mom.†“okay, here’s the plan. we fake harley here doing a little “babyslapstickâ€. you know, something stupid or weird.
get it on video. enter it on that “home video showâ€. and, “voilaâ€! we’re on prime time! stuffing our pockets full of ten thousandsimoleons!†“i like it!†“boys, i want you to meet godzilla and mothra,my science projects. i’m studying insanity in the animal kingdom.†“these lizards are crazy?â€
“you’d be too if you were a chameleonon day-glo colored rocks.†“i wonder if lizards like popcorn?†“don’t know. worth experimenting.†“this isn’t happening! this isn’t happening! this isn’t happening!†“marshall! no!
snap out of it!†“harley and syndi are in there! we’ve gotta go in and get them!†you can’t go back in there! it’s too dangerous! they’ll just kill you too!†“you’re alive!†“brilliant deduction, holmes.†“cool costume!â€
“aren’t you a little bit old to be trickor treating?†“well, uh… he’s just a big kid.†“gland problems.†“oh! then have two.†“and where’s harley?†“harley?†“yeah.
harley. this tall, same mom as simon.†“well, to tell you the truth. he’s in the tv.†“yeah, and i’m on pluto.†“space. the final frontier.†“harley schwarzenegger holmes. you leave that poor lady alone right now,or i’m going to come in there and blister
your butt! do you hear me?†“oh, he’s really scared now.†“trick or treat!†“sorry, i’m out of candy.†“meow.†“bow wow.†‘wait!†“what?â€
“what if there’s some kind of curse forunwrapping a mummy?†“i just want a peek. besides, if there is a curse, it can’t beworse than what our parents are going to do to us if they find out we traded harley for“king tut breath†here.†“you know, i thought i remembered dieing. i had some bad shellfish one night. next morning i was reincarnated in one ofmy most memorable roles.†“the bloody revenge of the mummy’s curse!†“classic.
yes, classic. been stuck in that role ever since! of course i always knew my memory would liveon in my films, but this is ridiculous!†“of course! he’s not a real mummy! he’s an actor!†“i’ve been kidnapped by geniuses.†“sorry about your head.†“wow!
never thought i’d see a mummy, a dead person,and a movie star all in one day!†“all in one guy!†“where am i anyway?†“little town called, eerie, indiana. better known as “weirdness centralâ€â€œquaint. now tell me: how did i come to be in thisdreary little corner of the universe, and more important, how do i get out of here?!†“heavens to murgatroid! what is that detestable little yard ape doingin my movie?!
he’s ruining it!†“you should see what he does to my bedroom!†“what did you say this “projector in abottle†is called?†“television.†“truly dreadful invention. i do hope it never catches on.†“that’s gotta be it! harley was standing in front of the videocamera, watching the mummy movie. and when he bit down on the remote control,it caused some sort of video feedback timewarp
zapping thing.†“of course. why didn’t i think of that?†“look, i’ve been thinking. maybe i was a little bit harsh in judgingyour fine little metropolis. maybe we should postpone this “zapping thingâ€you were talking about? i could use a little vacation. being in that musty old mummy movie all thoseyears, well, it can be a bit tedious, you know.
all that foot shuffling, and moaning, andsuch. not to mention i haven’t had the chanceto visit the “little boys room†in fifty years.†“stop him! he’s a monster!†“so many channels, so little to watch.†“shut up!†clearly the best lines of the episode comefrom walking paranormal prop, tony jay. a noted actor who’s better known today forhis voiceover roles than his screen or stage
roles. famously he lent his gorgeous voice to sherekhan in disney’s the jungle book, and judge frollo in the hunchback of notredame, thoughi personally will always remember him as the computer virus megabyte from future secretscreening topic, reboot. i still can’t believe i didn’t remembertony jay as boris von orloff, whose character, for those who don’t know, is a nod to thelegendary william henry prat, better known as boris karloff. karloff made his fame in horror films, buthis most iconic role was that of frankenstein's monster in 1931’s frankenstein.
he was so connected to that character thatto this very day versions of his likeness are used as shorthand for frankenstein’smonster in media across the globe. he struggled to break free from the role asan actor, but much like adam west and his equally iconic portrayal of batman, karloffeventually leaned into his notoriety and branched out into all manner of campy horror pictures. all the while still continuing to contributehis time, money, and creativity toward projects for children. he even lent his deep resonant voice to thenarrator of the dr soos christmas classic, how the grinch stole christmas.
but tony jay is amazing, and he rarely getsthe respect and fame he richly deserves because his voice over career mostly kept him offcamera. he’s a treat in this episode. and as you heard before, and you just wantto wrap yourself up in every campy line he says like a warm blanket. so it should be no surprise that i’m awardinghim both best paranormal prop and the louan gideon award for outstanding guest performance. in fact, to celebrate the halloween seasonhere on secret screening, i’ve made all of my amazing fans and followers a present.
i’ve collected all of von orloff’s bestone liners and i’ve turned them into a ringtone you can download for free. just follow the link in the description belowto download the mp3 or m4r and make your phone 40% more spooky! ultimately, the let down of this episode isthe fact that this was their big halloween special. eerie indiana, a show with strong roots inthe horror genre built on a foundation of paranormal weirdness, took their halloweenepisode, and bunted. the whole thing feels like a weird, slapdash,half-measure.
a book report written the morning it’s due. it’s an incredible shame that eerie indianaonly had one shot at a great halloween episode, something they could and should have knockedout the the park with their eyes closed, and they waste it stuck inside fighting a mummythat’s not even a mummy. thanks again for tuning in for another episodeof secret screening. halloween is just a few short weeks away,so in honor of the holiday i’ll be taking a short break from eerie indiana to talk aboutsomething near and dear to my heart, ghostbusters. next time i’ll be kicking this party offright with the weird and strange origin of filmation's ghostbusters.
until then, remember to subscribe so you don’tmiss my next episode, because you’ll always have a ticket for my next secret screening. stay weird.